Reflections on the word "RETARD"

Word of caution to those who don't know me: I'm very liberal and very politically incorrect. If you're not down for that, click that mouse somewhere else and move along. I'm sure there's some treacle-spewing blogger out there whom you'd prefer.

Anyway.

My new favorite rediscovered word is "retard." I've recently rediscovered "retard" because my sister uses "retarded" as her preferred term of ultimate scorn and because it was frankly the only way to accurately describe the sounds that my soon-to-be-seven-month-old son Henry makes when we were updating the pediatrician on his, eh-hem, "lack of progress" in the babbling department. (Post on the quest for the perfect child is coming soon.)

I'm fairly certain that "retard" is as wonderful a word as "modernity" -- "retard" because it's so ugly sounding; "modernity" because it's so gorgeous. "Retard" is a word that sounds like a turd in a Dixie cup; "modernity" is a word that sounds like salmon mousse in a Waterford goblet. (Not that I dig Waterford or even own any, but you know what I mean.) I also love that as a noun, which is the way in which I'm using it, "retard" is commonly pronounced in an uncouth, technically incorrect way: "RE-tard." (According to Merriam-Webster and their delightful audio rendition, "retard" should be pronounced "ri-TARD".) It's also so wonderfully retro, like eight-track tapes of Cat Stevens, Marshmallow Fluff, or those shoes from the 'seventies called Cloud Climbers.

I like "retard" because it cuts to the chase and it's alarming, and even though people might be shocked that you use it, everyone immediately knows EXACTLY what you mean: they can immediately envision the short bus; the drool; the completely ridiculous, irrational gut-level assumption that retarded people don't bathe and surely must smell bad.

I also like "retard" because there are lately so many wonderful ways in which I can use it. Not only does Henry tend to sound like a retard, but California's EDD* is clearly run by a pack of retards, LaToya Jackson sounds like a total retard claiming that Michael was murdered, anyone who is a Sarah Palin fan is a retard, and our government's seeming incapability of doing anything serious about global warming qualifies them as well as a pack of retards. But lest you think that I only assign the term "retard" to others, let me assure you that my inability to properly sync my iPhone makes me a retard, too.

My deep thoughts about "retard" have led me down memory lane, too, to another term that all ten children on a street I lived on as a kid used: "flicted" (pronounced "FLICK-ted"). Someone who was a real dumb-dumb was "flicted," which is pretty funny because clearly one of us had heard the term "afflicted" and thought it was a noun, as in "Dickie is a flicted."

Needless to say, I hearby nominate "flicted" for common use. It might not be as offensive to those retards out there who don't like retard.


* = California Employment Development Department. I'm unemployed, qualified for unemployment insurance, not receiving checks, and there is no way to talk to a real person there, all of which rather defeat the purpose of unemployment checks in these tough times, which is to make sure that those without jobs can still buy things, pay their rent, and support the economy. And I suspect I'm not alone. So EDD is mos def run by a pack of retards.